Virginity and a Relationship

I’m sure that almost all men in this world expect their female partner to be virgin or they want her to have kept her virginity so far.

Some men insist that they prefer non virgin woman:
Because she knows how-to and he doesn’t have to teach.
Because it’s quicker/faster/easier for him to reach intercourse. 
Because it’s more likely to be “No strings attached”.

But still, I’m certain that what men expect their “serious” partner is her virginity. 


If men says like this, usually non-virgin women react like “It’s unfair that a man who is not virgin expects virginity from a woman”.

But, I don’t think this is a matter of “fair-ness”.

I think there is some biological reason why men prefer virginity.

I think this comes from the fact that it’s impossible for male animal to confirm if a baby his female partner delivers is truly his child.

(For simplicity, medical check etc. is excluded).

The baby would be other man’s child…., this possibility always remains. 

In other words, there is always possibility that his female partner cheats on him with other man. And there’s no way to check it.

I suppose that’s why men prefer virginity and that’s why virginity has been so sacred.


What women who still think it’s unfair should know is that men’s expectation and women’s expectation is different. 

If women think “fairness means exchanging an exact same thing each other”, they might be stained with some morbid modern notion.

Exchanging the same thing is not the only way to reach “fairness”.

In a cafe, you order a latte. Staff serves you a latte. You pay a price. 

Instead of giving coin, what if you give a latte, saying “You gave me your hand-made latte. So, this is my hand-made latte”?

Is it really possible to make a deal like this?

It’s very unlikely. 


When we receive kindness or when other shows us politeness, we usually think we should give back the same kindness or politeness.

It’s right….., as long as its context is not about a relationship.

In a heterosexual relationship, the most important factor is “one is male, and the other is female”. 

And somehow in a relationship, “give back the same thing”, in other words, “the reciprocity principle” does not work properly. Rather, it often brings a negative effect.

It makes sense, because men and women are totally different, so what they want is also totally different.


Getting back on track, we have idealised female virginity for a long time.

What does it mean? It simply means reality is different.

When something is idealised or beautified, it means there is an opposite reality.

Having the first partner and losing both virginity at the same time…, it’s a beautiful story we are told and it sounds an ideal relationship, but it just means it rarely happens in reality.

In a practical sense, I personally think giving one’s virginity often makes a negative contribution to a relationship.

If a woman is over 20 years old and still virgin, more or less she feels some sort of pressure and probably being virgin feels burden.

But, this is not just feeling of burden. It’s a complicated feeling.

On the one hands, it feels burden. On the other hands, she feels proud of being virgin or still keeping her virginity.

And it would bring some concerns, such as:
“Perhaps I’ll die as a virgin”
“Perhaps I’m not attractive enough”
“Perhaps I’ll never get a male partner”

Considering these concerns, it’s understandable that there are “relatively” many virgin women who want to get relieved by losing their virginity, as soon as possible.

(If a woman keeps her virginity due to some religious reason, it’s a different story. She must not feel much pressure of being virgin in a situation where keeping female virginity is justified by these relatively strong “external” reasons, not by her personal fragile “internal” values.)


One day, luckily she gets a boyfriend and gets a chance to lose her virginity…, She “gives” her virginity… then, does she become happy and get relieved?

Probably it’s not that simple.

After losing her virginity, she is likely to invest more into a relationship.

Especially if he is not virgin (=if she is not his first sexual partner), this investment from her side feels too much and burden for him.

And usually we want to run away from a situation where the other invests much.


This is what I meant earlier, “giving one’s virginity often makes a negative contribution to a relationship”.

Usually men are supposed and encouraged to lose his virginity as soon as possible. And they say that only after losing virginity, he can get a clear view about many things…, perhaps everything in this world.

I think this can be right for women as well.

The first sex must be one of the most fruitful, rich life lessons we can have in our life course.

Sex, just one sex, solves a great number of mystery in this world easily.

After losing her virginity, she can get a clear perspective about herself, her life, or everything in this world.

And she is able to manage a relationship better.


When a relationship that a woman loses her virginity ends, a woman tends to feel self-pity, much more often than a man.

But, probably the truth is that this relationship was just for losing her virginity, and the real, more meaningful relationship will starts afterward.


It seems very beautiful that two virgin boy and girl go into a relationship and give virginity each other.

But, I think it lacks some real-ness, exactly because it’s “too” beautiful.