There is a doubt about my life. I have had this doubt for a while. It is that if I can really die at the age of 50.
Our life cannot be free from so-called "the law of conservation of mass". The amount of "energy" we can consume in our life is fixed, and if someone consumes much of this energy at his young age, this person cannot live long.
If someone dies at young age, there must be a reason. Even if he kills himself, his death must mean that he consumed all of energy he was given. This is the law of nature and nobody cannot escape from it. This is what I firmly believe regarding our life.
When I think about my own life from this standpoint, I cannot help wondering if I have consumed enough energy so far. I cannot stop feeling that I have been frugal enough not to consume the energy. Or, simply I have been lazy enough not to focus on anything.
My biggest fear is to live long lazily. And that's why I dream to die before 50 years old. Just like many other people, I also prefer natural death. However, in this modern days, unfortunately we are not allowed to die naturally at the age of 50. Rather we are obligated to live as long as possible. So, the only possible and "realistic" option available is to kill myself.
Many people have a misunderstanding about suicide. They think that suicide is something we can choose. They think that natural death is out of our control and impossible to avoid, while suicide is under our control and we can avoid if we want.
I don't think it's correct. I think that what we cannot control is death itself. And it does not really matter what brings death to our life. We can reach death by old age. We can reach death by a car accident. We can reach death by disease. And we can reach death by suicide. Suicide is just one of many ways to lead us to death. And just like we cannot choose death, we cannot choose how to reach death.
When we closely see a life of people who committed suicide, it often looks like suicide was something unavoidable to them. It often seem like their life was completed beatufiully by suicide. It often seems like they were choose by death, not they chose death.
The more I think about this nature of death, the more I get scared. I am scared if I can really die at the age of 50. I am scared that perhaps I will lazily live long and will fail to complete my life.